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| last summer i was blessed to attend Ho'oulu 'Aina at Waipa on Kaua'i. it was a food sovereignty conference and lots of amazing stuff happened that week.. i'm just going to write about one.
it was the last day and everyone was saying their alohas as we all prepared to part ways. all week i felt drawn to this man, vince. i've seen him on various videos/tv things etc. but all week i just noticed how happy JOYFUL he looked. he smiled from the inside, sometimes even chuckled to himself and just grinned. what a wonderful presence to be around. i saw him on the last day and went to say goodbye, although i hadn't even quite said hello. we did the traditional honi, nose to nose, and stayed like that for a long long time. after that we hugged for even longer. i could feel his heart breathe, him exhale, and quietly sigh.. i felt his belly swell and fall, and he didn't move away. we just stood there for literally over a minute. this man i had never met before, felt so close, like we were almost melting/merging together. when we finally separated we were both crying happily. he told me, "i know how i know you! we were fish, swimming together in a past life.. i saw it"
i saw him today. and we hugged again. and he told me he'd never forget that embrace.. he said after our hug he began to see his relation with others he held.. he said "i've been a tiny leaf on a tree at the top of a mountain; i've been a rock tumbling in the sea. and when i hugged you, i saw tons of tiny fish around us." he remembered! :) i feel renewed. i told him that his honi feels like i'm falling into him; like a deep exhale. ((disclaimer: there's nothing sexual about these experiences, but definitely very intimate))
also, today i saw makana.. he gave me and lauren the poi he had ku'i. he said "i love you sistah".. it's amazing how open some people can be. his name is so fitting. it made me feel like my insides were opening again. i need more experiences like these.
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| so much heaviness all around.. felicia's scarring in her brain, her mother in law's breast cancer diagnosis, derek's getting kicked out of his house by his 2 best friends, his car got hit today, aunty lost her job, my brother's friend died in that accident on likelike... that terrible stabbing in 'ewa. it's so sad and disturbing..
human resiliance is amazing.. i started seeing a counselor at UH.. mixed reviews. she says i should move out of my house as soon as possible, but it feels like giving up at home. i don't want to leave my puakenikeni trees, or not be here to see my ginger, gardenia and mountain apple grow. i guess it's getting to the point, where i have to 'cut my losses' because the situation within the walls are not going to change. my sister says, "i think scott (my bro) and joe (her bf) just got used to you not living here when you were in college, and never quite adjusted to having you back". true as that may be, it still feels shitty to always be wrong >> guilt tripped for "running away", for not contributing, but then being accused of being "too comfortable" and trying to make other people look bad by fixing up the house. ridiculous.
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| things i'm thankful for:
-a beautifully made bed by derek to keep me company
-relaxing afternoon pulling weeds :)
-good haul of kahelelani
-meeting sonny kahiau
-funny tan from my bathing suit
-seeing sean :)
-spending an hour with my brother, conflict free
-Honest Tea from BETHESDA, MD! :)
-having Harriet tell me she really enjoys spending time together. :)
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| today i saw a rainbow wider than the smile on my face. :) what a beautiful scene to drive home to.
i was also thankful for:
-white ginger at the farmer's market!!! :)
and -a new love for a friend that absolutely deserves it :)
i woke up at 3 am-ish and am really hungry. going on the hunt.. :)
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| i feel so silly because i'm so happy, but aching for a fight.
my mind is all twisted up.. a pseudo-friend got married and i'm hurt he never told me.. but then i remembered that we haven't really been friends for quite some time. looking at pictures of the bachelor party and seeing that asshole there.. i still can't believe he didn't defend me. i'm tired of talking in vague-ities, but i feel like i have no one to scream to but public eyes. one day i will scream in his face and it won't haunt me anymore.. i feel like i'm going to explode.
i'm tempted to start an argument about some old shit that bothers me, but sometimes i'm just not in the mood to be comforting after a guilt trip. i just want him to be sorry so i'll know that he wants me.
still trying to shake old "tapes" of days past. i was looking for shells at the beach today and was hunched over in my bikini.. i thought, derek would probably scold me for sitting like this, then i heard in my head, "why? no one looks at you." it scared me.
i don't know if i've ever been less motivated.
~*edit*~ and today i'm thankful for:
-smother hugs! :)
-hot hashbrowns at the bus stop
-coffee that is more cream than coffee :)
-my brother loving the song "you can call me al"
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